Crumbs of Truth: Local Salmon Wonder What it Takes to Get Tossed at Pike Place Market

Who’s the lucky fish?

Yesterday during happy hour, a group of salmon gathered at their favorite watering hole to discuss what it takes to be tossed around by Seattle fishmongers. “Fish tossing has been going on since the 60s. I come from a long line of prized king salmon and not a single one has been thrown around all day. How’s that even possible?” lamented Gilbert Finn. “I mean, I’m not fishing for compliments here, but look at me. My scales are bright silver. I’ve got the perfect ratio of meat to omega-3s. Why wouldn’t they choose me?”

Each day just one salmon is selected by the senior fishmonger. Salmon within the group shared their aspirations for this coveted role. Most of them consider it an honor to be put on display for thousands of tourists that visit Pike Place Market every day. But others, like Wade Kelpie, had more personal reasons. “After Wanda broke up with me, she told all of her friends that I was just a big fish in a small pond. I want to show her who’s the Terrific of the Pacific!”

Ray Oscar, the old-timer

After much discussion, old-timer Ray Oscar took a long drag of his cigarette and finally spoke up. “Listen here fellas, I’ve got news for you. I’ve known some of those salmon and you don’t wanna follow in their wake.” With all eyes on Ray, he continued. “Those salmon had problems. They drank like fish. They didn’t take care of themselves. They swam with the bottom feeders. Shipwrecks, every last one of ‘em.” We contacted a fishmonger to confirm Ray’s story, but the fishmonger was rather vague. He simply stated, “Look, we’re trying to please some cruise ship folks. We pick the fish like they choose their vacation wardrobes.”

Despite Ray’s sage advice, Wade was not deterred. “When that TikTok of me being hurled through the air goes viral, Wanda will realize that there are plenty of other fish in the sea, but she’ll never have another one like me.” Later that night, Wade and Gilbert were spotted at The Kettle, a seedy dive bar in the south Sound. An employee, speaking on the condition of anonymity, reported that they were shooting pool with escapees from a salmon farm who were all infected with sea lice.